Seasons of unravelling
In these “reflections”, I revisit past journal entries for new revelation, insight, inspiration and comfort. I’ve found that by considering the paths I’ve tread and dwelling on the things God has done in my life, my faith grows, and I’m able to take on my present—and my future—with hope.
A couple weeks ago, I stumbled across a small little journal that wasn’t stowed away in the same place as my other journals.
Journal entry 4.7.13
John 15. Abide in my love.
Isn’t this what I want for my son? His behavior and emotions have been more intense and often out of control lately. I can tell that it is related to his connection with me (or Tay) and my consistency in attention and love—when I’m out of whack, he’s out of whack. When I check on him sleeping at night, my heart burns for him to just know so deeply—even in that unconscious moment—that he’s so completely loved.
Isn’t that what the Father wants for me? All the time.
A couple weeks ago, I stumbled across a small little journal that wasn’t stowed away in the same place as my other journals. Curious, I cracked it open to see what season of life I had aired to these unlined pages. Spring. 2013. A season of learning to abide. A season remembered vividly with an almost tangible feeling of “cracking”. A kind of soul tension that felt like it would completely unravel me from the inside. I remember describing that sensation as though I were a cord being pulled extremely taut and small strands were beginning to snap.
I felt it before I understood it, so I pressed in for a more complete metaphor: what was at opposing ends? Patient friends listened as I uncovered the opposing forces: Reality (my present circumstances) and Desire. These I will unpack in a future post, but I wonder now how many can relate to that kind of stretching in whatever Reality you see before you and the Desire for more/better/different.
Reading through 3 months of journal entries from the vantage of my present-day reality, I grasped the picture a little more fully. 2020 may be a year of vision for the future (I certainly have pressed in for that!) but of course hindsight is most notably associated with the number. I will save you for now the drama of describing my Spring 2020 reality in the midst of COVID-19 and cut to the chase: I have not been coping well. So ironically, my 2013 self began to disciple me through the pages of my journal.
I’m motivated today to move these words from those unlined pages of my raw 2013 soul to the blank canvas of this unused blog because hope slipped out as if tucked away in this forgotten journal for today. This hope exclaimed by the miracles that LEAP off those pages in just a few months, these miracles all but indelible today.
Many of you know this story because it has been bubbling out of me as a declaration of personal HOPE in our senseless, trying world. I have learned even more about my own story though, and if you’re willing to come along for a ride, I’d love to unpack it here in a series of reflections. Before I name my “2013 Reality”, I want to invite you to consider what Reality you’re wrestling with and the Desire you just can’t shake. Can I partner in faith with you? If you’re so bold: speak it out here in the comments.
More than likely, it’s so personal and tender that you would rather speak it privately so I invite you to do so today. Spell it out for a friend or email me.